Bible Study Event Evangelism Holidays Missions Prayer Community Outreach Family Ministry Leadership Development Organizational Helps Publicity Devotionals Finances Local Ministry Personal Development Spiritual Development

Reader Poll

What resources do you need most as you lead Women’s Ministries Unlimited! in your church? Leadership training Bible studies Ideas for meetings Outreach ideas Ideas for ministering to a diversity of women View Results

 

Leadership Development

“Help! My Marriage is Falling Apart!”

Counseling a Friend Through Troubled Times

By Jeremy Lelek

“He’s not attentive to my emotional and physical needs. He doesn’t romance me anymore. He spends way too much time in the office. I feel like I’m falling out of love. We argue and fuss all the time. He rarely talks to me on a deep emotional level. I resent him.”

What happens when your best friend invites you to coffee and unloads on you the burdens of her broken marriage? When your friend comes to you anguishing over unthinkable hardships, are you prepared to minister to her? How would you counsel her according to God’s Word?

Christian women are people, too. They hurt. They cry. They get angry. They feel lonely. They grow weary of marital patterns that alienate them from their husband. They feel they are being taken for granted. And they are susceptible to responding in ways that can further destroy a fragmented marriage. Worst of all, women can walk down the dark road of bitterness, resentment, and sin, feeling quite justified because of the relational and emotional turmoil brought forth—in their view—by their thoughtless and insensitive husband. In such cases (which are all too common), the need for loving, sound, biblical counsel is paramount. Most significantly, hearing God’s truth from a fellow sister in Christ can make all the difference.

Consider these three truths when reaching out to a hurting friend:

Weep with those who weep (Romans 12:15). Be quick to listen and slow to speak (James 1:19). While the tendency may be to quickly offer a word of advice, listening with compassion is a very important process. A woman is often comforted simply by a sincere effort to hear and understand the nature of her struggle. Offering “off the cuff” answers may make a woman feel her problems are being minimized or simplified, or that the listener doesn’t grasp the gravity of her devastating pain. Listening—at times with tears—and asking inquisitive questions that lead to the heart of her struggle will encourage her and inform you as the listener about what wisdom from God’s Word is most pertinent for this situation.

Aim at the heart. Consider this profound passage from James as he poses the most popular marriage counseling question of all time: “What causes fights and quarrels among you?” (James 4:1). He goes on, “Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight” (James 4:2). Human tendency is to blame one’s spouse as the cause for one’s own feelings of emptiness, anger, or bitterness. James does the very opposite; he points the believer inward to the desires of the heart.

A friend may be convinced that the cause of her bitterness or emotional emptiness is her husband. In reality—according to the Bible—the cause resides within her own heart. The desires for intimacy, romance, love, and companionship are all beautiful and good; however, if these desires become coveted for selfish pleasure, then the goodness of these gifts vanishes, and only selfish ambition and pride remain. The desires to “love God” and “love neighbor” become usurped by idols of pleasure, and the deceitful inertia of sin darkens the heart to embrace and even defend these newfound gods.

How do you help her distinguish whether her desires for good things have fallen to the level of idolatry? Simply pose this question: “Do you want _____ (i.e., love, romance, intimacy, acknowledgement, etc.) so badly that you are willing to sin against God or others to get it?” Apply this method to actions, words, thoughts, and attitudes.

Confront in love. As your friend is prompted to take the plank from her own eye (Matthew 7:5), a good counselor would then bring her husband into the picture. If indeed he is being neglectful and absent, then he is failing to love his wife as Jesus loves His Church (Ephesians 5:25). However, beware of jumping to conclusions, as currently only half of the story has been revealed.

If your friend has already discussed her frustrations with her husband to no avail, help her bring other loving Christians into the picture to intervene. The body of Christ was created to be a sanctuary of support and a context to promote godly change. Following the counsel of Jesus found in Matthew 18:15-17 would be a great starting place. Your friend should continually examine her heart and motives. Biblical confrontation is not about manipulation and control; it is about love for another.

Your response to your friend should reflect these principles; if they do, then consider yourself blessed as a counselor of God’s Word. Certainly, some of the demands of loving others—such as confrontation—can propel us out of our comfort zone. At such times of discomfort, God is not only using us to change others; He is also using others, and the pain of their world, to change us for His glory and His purposes!

JEREMY LELEK is the President of the Association of Biblical Counselors. For more information about the Association of Biblical Counselors, visit: www.christiancounseling.com.

Article used by author’s permission.